Being a Unicorn is Not all that Magical

While I was always that odd child, the kid that marched to the beat of their own drum, never in my life have I ever regretted being a bit unusual. On the contrary, I’ve spent most of my life feeling very proud to be different. But being different in medical terms is really not a good thing.

Being a unicorn in the medical sense means seeing multiple doctors and being told that while there is something wrong, they are unsure of what is the cause. It is having multiple tests done, many of which come out abnormal but with not enough information to give a clear diagnosis. It is literally being told by your primary care doctor, “I’m used to horses, I see an occasional zebra but you are a unicorn and I don’t know how to help you.”

After over a year of dealing with an unknown health problem, I would love to give up my unicorn status. While I’d love to simply be healthy, I’m willing to settle for typical symptoms of whatever is ailing me instead of my body’s atypical confusing bullshit. In the medical sense, being a unicorn is not all that magical and for once, I just want to be a boring horse.

Any other medical unicorns out there? Were you able to get a diagnosis?


Nikki Page, the artist

Just a little blurb on me:

Born and raised in Northern California, Nikki Page is a self-taught artist who believes in celebrating all the little things in life and spreading magic wherever she goes. Adopted at birth, “Page” is for her biological mother who loved unconditionally and so selflessly; she gets the blame for Nikki’s overactive imagination and quirkiness. “Nikki” is for the family who raised her, nicknamed her “Picky-Nikki”, and indulged her overactive imagination, creativity, and curiosity with unlimited books, comics, music, and play! Nikki Page continues living a blessed life with a wonderful, loving husband, two purrfect furbabies, a fun, rewarding job, and lots and lots of books in Chico, California.

Religion…

“Do you believe in religion?” This is the question Fred Kat asked me last time he emailed me. And Fred, I need to apologize… You asked this question in April.

I have sat down at my computer and attempted to answer this question 1000 times. And deleted everything. Every time.

Is it because I’m afraid I’ll be persecuted? Perhaps I don’t wish to be told that I will be going to hell? Maybe I know my beliefs cannot be defended against criticism?

Or perhaps I think you are all idiots and I don’t want to waste my breath on something that you will never grasp?

None of these are true. Although some humans are idiots, of course. (He runs ‘Merica atm)

So what is my problem with religion?

It’s none of your business.

And that is my answer because it is also none of my business what you believe.

So the answer is I don’t believe in religion.

Do I believe in a higher power? Yes. Does it matter or affect me in any way shape or form if you believe in a higher power? Not at all.

Do I call my higher power a specific name, do I distinguish a gender? No, depends on my mood and how I am connecting to my higher power that day. Humans have had thousands of different names and words to describe or call the gods. Is the name really important? I think more depends on how I live my life versus what I call my higher power. So why do you care?

Do I believe that you should be allowed to practice your beliefs in anyway shape or form? As long as you are not harming another living creature physically, emotionally, socially, financially, or mentally, absolutely.

Do I think people should be allowed to perform rituals and or ceremonies in a gathering with like-minded individuals? Sure.

Do I get to tell you all about my beliefs, how I have all the answers, and how to live your life in order to have a “heavenly” afterlife? Is it my job to “save” you? Fuck no. And it is not your business to try to “save” my soul either.

Spirituality, our relationship with the spiritual/divine realm, whatever you want to call it, is a PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. There is no right or wrong to believe in. And how much suffering has been caused by trying to prove that one religion is “true” and all others are “wrong”?

So go ahead, go to church, mosque, a meditation or prayer group and have a ritual or ceremony together. Celebrate that you view the divine in a similar manner! Find joy and support in a community. But don’t make it an “us” versus “them”. Respect that others will have a different experience, different perspective, and different interpretation of the mythical.

Allow governments to do their job and be the ones to create laws centering on human rights. While spiritual establishments should be there to allow people to gather and discuss their spiritual experiences, partake in ceremonies, rituals, and celebrations together, and aid those who want to explore their spirituality. Ultimately religious establishments should be focused on making people better humans, not better Catholics, Muslims, or Buddhists. Human.

Until this becomes the reality, I don’t believe religion is a positive thing in our world. We have twisted something that could have been beautiful into a weapon to hurt others and then a shield to not take responsibility for our own actions. We use religion as a way to spread ignorance and hate.

Do you agree with me? Or feel that I am being unfairly pessimistic about religion and humanity? Please share any thoughts about this!

As always, thank you for reading. I would love to hear from you so feel free to contact me or comment below. And if you would like to support this blog and/or my paintings please become my patron.

Living with Mental Illness

Red Gerbera Schism 1.1

I was once asked, “What’s it like having a mental illness?” This question was asked by a very good friend of mine. This friend never experienced mental illness. He asked with sincere curiosity. He had never known anyone with mental illness (that he knew of besides me). The question was asked because he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why I sometimes struggled. Why I struggled with what he thought was nothing to struggle about. Like getting out of bed.

There are days that I really have to push myself to get out of bed. I have to give myself a pep-talk, think about good things that could happen that day, and really convince myself that staying in bed forever is not going to help my shit mood that I’m in. Some days, getting out of bed is my biggest accomplishment.

Then there are the other days. Days where my mind is racing. I feel like I can take on the world. Sleep is not something I need anymore, I have tons of energy and I’m excited to do… EVERYTHING!!! Those days, I really have to question every decision I make simply to try to avoid possibly doing something I would end up regretting once I was more clear-headed.

And then there is the random thoughts of worthlessness and suicide that just pop into my head. I literally can have nothing, nothing bad happen. Nothing that made me upset, triggered, anxious, or even excited, elated, or happy. Just an average non-eventful day where I feel contentment. And then driving down the freeway on my way home from work, randomly I think: “I should drive my car off the side of the road and kill myself.” No particular reason why. It’s like somewhere inside me is a part that wants to die. Insidious thoughts of suicide have haunted me for as long as I can remember, even as a child.

But how could I explain this to someone who has never experienced this? How could I communicate the difficulties I face simply from being me? That I’m in constant war with myself. That I want to live but I’m also so exhausted from being hyper-vigilant of my moods and thoughts. Continuously reminding myself that no, I don’t actually want to die, I’m very happy with my life, I just have suicidal ideation.

I thought long and hard on how best to explain what it is like living with a mental illness and this is the analogy I came up with:

Every person in the world is in their own small boat. We are all sailing across the sea of life. There is no visible end or destination, we just sail along until death claims us. As we are sailing, there are storms on this sea, waves that crash into our boat, and all we have is a small bucket to use to toss the water out. These waves and water filling the boat are the struggles, challenges, and perhaps even trauma that we all experience in life, storms are situations that affect multiple people at once. And our small little bucket that we are using to try to keep our boat afloat represents our wellness tools, supports, and coping skills in life. The quality of the boat represents are resources. If you grew up in poverty, your boat may be made from rotten wood, while an upper class white male may have a boat made from lightweight carbon fiber.

So everyone is on their small single man boat, doing their best to sail in the ocean of life, with waves crashing down on us as life throws trials and tribulations our way. For those with mental illness, our boats have holes. It may be several tiny holes, one giant crack in the hull, or one small hole that doesn’t seem all that bad but it is a hole nonetheless. So while everyone else is scrambling to toss the water out of their boats from the waves, those with mental illness are trying to fix our boat while still dealing with the crashing waves. We may be lucky and be able to patch up all the holes and/or get a bigger bucket by getting help through therapy, medication, peer support, etc. Or society may fail us and our holes could get bigger, causing our boat to sink leaving us to swim until we get the help we need. Once we are swimming, we need the help of others. We need support to bring us out of the water, rest our exhausted body and mind, and build another boat for ourselves.

Keep in mind that the waves and storms could cause anyone to develop holes in their boats. Mental illness knows no boundaries. Mental illness can affect anyone! Any social class, race, religion, age, gender, culture, financial status, or sexual orientation. Sure some of us may have better boats, better resources, bigger buckets but it is possible for anyone of us to develop mental illness. And if we do, we are dealing not just with the constant crashing waves of life but also a boat with holes.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Did the analogy make sense? Did I totally miss the mark and you don’t agree? How would you describe having mental illness if you were asked?

Be Authentic. Be Unique. Be You.

As always, thank you for reading. I would love to hear from you so feel free to contact me or comment below. And if you would like to support this blog and/or my paintings please become my patron.

Flowers

Rose Petal Painting Trial 2

Why specifically flowers? Because they are enchanting all on their own. They are simple, colorful, soft, delicate, and strong all at the same time. Components that separately amount to nothing extraordinary but together create a masterpiece, a perfect combination that only nature could put together.

Flowers are stunning and perfect regardless of their imperfections. One torn petal doesn’t cause the whole flower to wilt and die, no, the flower continues to strive and grow. No imperfection will deter it from being a beautiful flower, it remains true to itself.

It is because of this that I love working with flowers. I want to embrace the idea that even with imperfections, I am still worthy. Yes, like the flower I want to continue to grow and strive to be better, to be the best “me” I can be but even at this moment, I am good enough.

Be Authentic. Be Unique. Be You.

As always, thank you for reading. I would love to hear from you so feel free to contact me or comment below. And if you would like to support this blog and/or my paintings please become my patron.

Tweet Tweet Tweet

IMG_20170606_102354So for those of you who have noticed, I have a Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook page. And I must confess that I don’t really enjoy social media. Hell, I didn’t really expect to like bloging but surprise, I’m enjoying myself! Maybe its simply cause I am the one doing all the talking… Lol.

Regardless, the hatred that I’ve held for most Social Media avenues didn’t necessarily stem from my overall dislike of electronics and technology. It was more the obsession people had about it. The drama that would insue if a friend request was denied or god forbid, someone deleted you as a friend! The amount of trash talk and gossip about celebrities is absolutely toxic and irrelevant, does it really concern you who is fucking who in Hollywood? And best yet, the cesspool of cruelty, hatred, and ignorance of some individuals that goes viral is unbelievable! These are my issues with social media.

However, I’ve come to look at the positives of social media and hope to use it in that regard. One serious benefit for me is to keep tabs on friends and family, and no, I am not a stalker. I simply no longer live close to family and old friends and it is hard to find time to call them since our schedules don’t usually lineup conveniently and almost impossible to plan visits with our limited free time. So Facebook is my way of checking up on them and making sure that no tragedy has befallen them. Another positive of social media is spreading positivity, spreading love, joy, hope, forgiveness, and understanding.

Celebrities have opportunities to reach thousands of people via social media in which they could promote a good cause, fundraiser, or social issue. I truly appreciate all people who use social media in such a way and hope that one day I will be able to join them in shedding light on important issues. Until then, I hope my paintings bring you simple pleasure, inspire hope, and give you joy!

Be Authentic. Be Unique. Be You.

As always, thank you for reading. I would love to hear from you so feel free to contact me or comment below. And if you would like to support this blog and/or my paintings please become my patron.